Creating Boundaries: A Radical Act of Self-Definition

Imagine someone hits you with, "You only come around when it suits you!"

At first, it sounds like a dig—something meant to guilt-trip you into showing up on their terms. Take a second. Drop the emotional charge, the expectation, the pressure to explain yourself.

What’s actually left?

I was grabbing lunch a few weeks ago with someone who wanted to chat about my newly released book. That person share with me that they’ve got people in their life who are negative, gossipy, complain and stuck in what’s wrong. And honestly? It’s draining. Who else can relate? I know I sure can. So, instead of forcing themselves to be around that energy all the time, they chose to love and support those people in a way that doesn’t cost them their own peace—at a distance.

So, we did what I love to do—got into a real conversation about boundaries—not just setting them, about owning they who they were being in the middle of them. Because boundaries aren’t about avoiding people; they’re about being intentional. The real question isn’t whether others approve—it’s whether you’re standing in what actually works for you.

“Those who get angry when you set a boundary are the ones you need to set boundaries for.”

– J.S. Wolfe, The Pathology of Innocence

Boundaries

Who are you in relation to the world around you? In your relationships? Are you just showing up or are you actively choosing how you show up?  It’s not just about existing in the space; it’s about choosing how you want to be in it. Boundaries aren’t just rules for others—they’re about owning your own life, and your choices. They’re a way of saying, "This is who I am, and this is how I want to interact with the world.”

Try on that when someone says, "You only come around when it suits you!" that’s their view of the situation, their perception. They’re speaking from their own assumptions, their own perspective. What they’re really saying is that they think your presence should be shaped by their needs.

Boundaries are a way to stay true to yourself, to make sure you’re showing up in a way that’s healthy for you. They’re not walls between you and others—they’re the foundation for healthier, more authentic relationships.

Before we get into boundaries vs barriers, let’s talk a bit about why boundaries may be necessary.

1. Self-Preservation Over Obligation
   When you operate without boundaries, you abandon yourself for the sake of others a.k.a. people pleasing. Who here are my people pleasers?  You become emotionally exhausted, resentful, and disconnected from your own needs. Boundaries keep you rooted in self-awareness and prevent you from engaging in relationships out of guilt rather than authenticity.

2. Clarity Over Confusion
   When you set boundaries, you create clarity. You are no longer caught in the fog of obligation, uncertainty, or unhealthy relational dynamics.

3. Power Over Submission
   Boundaries help you to reclaim your power. They remind you that you are not a passive participant in relationships or in life but an active architect of them. You get to decide how you show up and in what capacity.

Boundaries Are Not Barriers

Let’s set the record straight: boundaries are not walls meant to shut people out. Boundaries are your declaration that when you show up, you do so from a place of strength—not exhaustion or obligation. They don’t tear relationships apart; they transform them.

And let’s be crystal clear—boundaries are not an excuse to ditch integrity, break your Word, avoid responsibility, get out of something or avoid tough conversations. If you’re setting a boundary, it’s time to lean in deeper, get into a conversation about it … what’s really going on here? Why is setting a boundary necessary for you? Psst … that’s just as important as the boundary itself.

A boundary is not about saying no to something outside of you—it’s about saying yes to the person you’re committed to becoming. It’s about owning where you’ve been giving away your energy, your time, your voice—and taking it back with full purpose. It’s not a reaction to others; it’s a declaration of self.

Here’s the thing: with that declaration comes responsibility. Boundaries aren’t about hiding —they’re about creating structures that support your integrity. They demand that you honour your Word, engage in conversations that matter, and be crystal clear on why you’re choosing them. Because if your boundary is rooted in fear, avoidance, or disconnection, it’s not a boundary—it’s a barrier.

Real boundaries invite depth, clarity, and presence. They give you the power to move through the world with intention, not defensiveness. They’re not about controlling others—they’re about choosing how you show up. And when you stand in that, unapologetically, you are no longer at the mercy of what drains you. You are leading your life—on purpose. You are not longer at the effect of life, you are creating it.

Alright, what’s come up for you around boundaries. Let’s chat!

Namaste

T xo